Photo: iStock
- Am I doing everything wrong as mom?
- Parents can not do everything right!
- The mood of the others does not have to be yours!
- Stay human, stay a couple!
- Hear more: what suits us?
- Children often go other ways than we have considered!
- One last tip!
Am I doing everything wrong as mom?
Mama is constantly trying to please everyone - but it's still clattering all the time. Mommy does everything wrong? Does she just want too much? Or does she have the wrong man? Maybe just the kids too ungrateful?
Why is there so much noise in families and how can you keep everything together without tearing or losing yourself?
Here, the family therapist Marthe Kniep gives you suggestions on how you can become happier with small changes!
"The dear Rama family! Happy children, loving parents, all beautiful, all successful!
I know such families only from advertising. It's not just because I'm a family therapist and people - under the seal of secrecy - are pouring out their hearts. No! In every family, everything does not always go around or even according to plan.
Welcome to life that does not give us a season ticket for luck. And you would not be who you are if you did not go through small and bigger crises to grow on them. This is a life's work for all. Friction, strife and crises are part of it . To accept this is the first step on the way to more serenity.
Parents can not do everything right!
We can go to great lengths to make everything right for parents. But we will never succeed. Keep doing everything as best you can. But allow yourself sentences like: That was crap now, what I did there. I think that was stupid of me. Human. But I'm crazy on it today too! Or: I do not care how others find that.
Believe me, your children will be staring. And maybe you talk to her husband from the soul. How good, if he does not have to say it anymore. One fight less.
Outside and inside!
What do I wear today? This question is especially women in the morning before the question: How am I actually today? What do I need in order to survive this day? If you are already thinking about it in bed or bath, you can set the course for the same day.
Just think about it : How can you do something good for yourself now? Yourself! Not the other one. What do you want by no means and what would be great? Share that with your environment. Then everyone knows and do not fall into the trap because they want something impossible from you. After all, the others are not clairvoyants.
The mood of the others does not have to be yours!
Job tense man? Upset schoolchild - Puberty, aggressively silent children with hood on at table? And they have just done a mountain laundry, cleaned the bathrooms or shopped quickly after the (half-day) job?
Then you have the total mood chaos around you. Most mothers are now trying to work out some kind of balancing and to help other family members get into a good mood. These often react with ingratitude. Therefore, ask only if you can do something good for someone or if he / she really has something on their minds when they really want it and endure it. Accept a possible "no" and do not judge it against yourself. Instead, consider what it would be like to ask someone to do something good for you. Or you simply take care of your own needs. This will probably be a new experience for everyone.
Stay human, stay a couple!
There was a life before you started a family. What about it? OK! With babies, parents are simply flexible and spontaneous. But as soon as they are no longer worried that the child will not survive without them in the wild (with grandma and grandpa), you can show the other side of their personality again: the crazy chicken, the best friend, the woman with a lust for sex, the woman with the short skirt or the deep neckline, the sports cannon, the lady who loves flirting ...
My goodness. From time to time it must be possible to experience these roles again. And if it does not work spontaneously, then plan it. Specifically: In a week: hairdresser, blow up, man abduct! Or: Two bottles of champagne with best friend heads. Get in to sleep late. Or try a tango course, try a couple float, go to the sea or into the mountains.
Do something where they experience themselves differently again. After that you will be happier as a mom again, even if you may have a lack of sleep, a big head or blisters on your feet.
Hear more: what suits us?
Swimming pool, Amusement Park, Weekend Getaway, Shopping! So many parents report on their incredibly active and often expensive weekend activities. Since you can ever get the feeling of being boring or not enough to offer his loved ones.
But hello! Where are we? First, if you can not afford that, it's normal. And second, that does not mean that you offer too little to your children. Give them a normal life that does not have a superlative everyday. Then the little ones are well prepared for life and do not fall into a deep (boring) hole when moving out.
For at least the first ten to fifteen years children are happy, if they even experience sociable family time. And that does not have to be expensive and time-consuming. Better relaxed with mom and dad cooking together, scribbling or watching a DVD, as with super annoyed parents to rush through the theme park, although that actually exceeds their budget.
Do what suits you and what your day allows. You have not automatically acquired the license for offspring breeding at the birth of the children. And what others do is their topic.
Children often go other ways than we have considered!
Parents are trailblazers for your children. They give them the tools to go their own way one day. This is often a completely different way, as we have then considered when looking into the baby cradle so.
There's nothing wrong with sharing your ideas with your child, which you find desirable for the child. But listen to what the child wants. The motto: I know what's good for you! has already burdened many a parent-child relationship. At some point, this attitude is simply no longer appropriate. It is one of the most important and at the same time most difficult tasks for parents to find out when they can leave their child in any area more responsibility for themselves. Start early with it. In the small steps, it is (usually) a bit easier for you.
Ask your child more often: What do YOU really want? And how can I help you with this? Would you like my help? You may be surprised how positive this affects your relationship.
Check rules: Are you still working?
When it gets dark, you come in! At eight o'clock the TV is off! 20 minutes on the PC must be enough! No Facebook. That's too dangerous.
Recognize what? The nice family rules. There is generally nothing to say against them. Because they give orientation and a certain order that has to be in order to get through life.
But when these rules keep causing arguments, it's time to question them: are they still okay? Are you negotiating fair? Or is it time to change it? Discuss this with all involved: So we are all not satisfied. How can we do it in the future? Who is willing to change or invest, so that a compromise would be conceivable? They teach their children something important for the future: negotiate and stand up for themselves.
One last tip!
You have now read suggestions on which screws of the gearbox you could turn. Do not do it all at once. First of all, look at which part of the engine you want to get on first or which part is in need of overhaul because otherwise you will not be able to get through the family TÜV next year.
And if you and your partner do not know what to do, get professional help. Also do "good mothers"! "
Continue reading:
Depression: What to do if Mom can not anymore?
