Photo: Corbis
- Listening is an art you can learn
- How do we perceive what our counterpart really says?
- There are four types of listening
Listening is an art you can learn
Listening means caring to the one who speaks. To his words, gestures, his facial expressions. Bestselling author Mark Nepo introduces us to the art of listening.
Only when his wife's voice became a soft whisper, and he could scarcely follow the conversations of his friends did Mark Nepo realize the precious gift of our hearing. Bird chirping, the sound of the sea, his favorite songs - everything was increasingly sinking into a fog of silence.
A world without sound - for the bestselling author, it turned out to be a salutary lesson in humility. But what had happened? Chemotherapy had gradually destroyed the hair cells of his ears. Today he carries implants. In retrospect, however, the time of silence also opened up access to a new world for him. For today, thanks to these borderline experiences, he masters the extremely rare art of listening.
He began to watch conversations in public places, in parks and cafes. How did people interact with each other? And how did he behave in conversations? What attitude characterizes a good listener - what happens when you are with friends? Did anyone else really listen? And how is that possible, right listening?
How do we perceive what our counterpart really says?
Listening is an art. It requires empathy, concentration, willpower and a willingness to surrender. When we learn this art, listening becomes a form of love.
TO BE PRESENT
If we want to be a good listener, we need to focus on the other and not wait impatiently for our own word. That's not easy at first, but we can train it. Best with a good friend.
And this is how it works: sit opposite, keep eye contact. And now the other one is allowed to talk for five minutes. No matter what. Without interruption. Then we try to repeat what we said in our own words and to describe the meaning as accurately as possible.
This exercise is about empathizing with the partner, giving it full attention. This requires dedication and a high concentration - because it is about filtering out the intermediate tones.
TAKE TIME
Listening properly requires attention, recognition, and validation, so turn off your TV and phones, watch the conversation, and focus on what he says. He is the most important person in the world right now. The art of listening is to put the ego back, to bring the other into the center of attention. Listening is a way of expressing to others that what they say has value that it is of interest. Once the other recognizes this, he feels respected and valued as a person.
LISTEN TO CRITICISM
Actual listening means having someone else's opinion valid without defense, criticism or impatience - even when it comes to personal issues. Listening to reviews is active. Instead of being passively passive, we'd better ask questions, ask for specifics, and try to empathize with others. When we intervene to justify ourselves and get rid of what is burning on our souls, even before we realize what the other is saying, this triggers a short-circuit in mutual understanding.
LISTEN TO THE EYES
Good listening also means that we encounter our counterpart not only with the ratio, but also with the emotional memory of experience. We see how the facial expressions are, we hear the tone of voice, perceive subtle nuances. A good listener is not content alone with the words of the other. He also absorbs what is not said, what is hidden behind the words.
LISTENING IS AN ACT OF THE DEVOTION
Listening means caring to the one who speaks. To learn the art of listening, we need to focus more on others. That sounds banal, but is not easy in an ego society. Every time we think our own concerns are less important than those of our friends, neighbors or colleagues, we are taking a decisive step in the right direction.
There are four types of listening
1. From the ego to the we
Mindfulness is the bridge to understanding
"Listening carefully requires a free mind, an open heart, and an interest in others, and it does not work without a sincere desire to be truly close to others, " says Mark Nepo. And that costs us time. It requires that we get involved in an encounter.
If we take this time, listen to what other people have to say, it changes our perception. We actively listen, perceive nuances, enter into dialogue - and that is one of the most important prerequisites for good relationships. Also in the professional life.
But all too often, we believe that we need to defend our arguments and opinions, which we have gained from good and bad experiences. Almost daily, we can observe the reflex of how we are about to impose our beliefs on others. Instead of listening and understanding, we give advice. If we hear something that irritates or unsettles us, we encounter these new impressions with skepticism. If we are unsure, we try to find something in our repertoire of ready-made arguments as soon as possible, which underpins our point of view. "Therefore, during a conversation, check to see if you are listening or just looking for affirmations that support your own views and arguments, " advises Nepo. Honest, attentive listening requires impartiality.
Mindful listening means not reacting or answering. It is the willingness to pay our undivided attention to others - and take back ourselves. To let us in, to signal sympathy without wanting to actively control a conversation. Just to be there for the other and only to give advice if we are specifically asked to do so. Granted, that's one of the hardest mindfulness exercises.
2. Be empathetic
Why it is often difficult for us to establish true proximity
The sentence: "I know that, I've already experienced that." is an empathy killer. It sounds paradoxical: but by making one's problems ours, we prevent him from feeling understood by us. Why? Because every person wants to see their feelings as unique respected.
Empathic listening requires us to make the worldview of another human being our own without any ready-made theories and preconceptions.
A heavy exercise that most people resist. But only through the change of perspective do we experience the subjective truth of the other. And that's the truth about him and his thoughts.
And how does it work in practice? The psychologist Carl Rogers recommends the following very simple strategy: Before you express your own opinion in a conversation or dispute, you should reflect the views of the other in your own words. "That sounds easy, but it's not that easy, " explains Rogers. "The effect is stunning, and you will find that excitement in disputes abates immediately, differences disappear, and problems that initially seem unsolvable almost resolve themselves."
3. The power of silence
When did you last hear the call of the sea?
She is the perfect teacher who can teach us the art of listening like no other - nature. Because she composes the most wonderful symphonies, shows us that we can hear her wonderful messages only if we get involved with them.
If we allow ourselves to listen to the sounds of nature, to devote ourselves to them with leisure and a certain devotion, we can also listen to our fellow human beings more attentively and respectfully. When Mark Nepo lost his hearing over 25 years ago, he painfully missed the chirping of birds and the sound of the sea. He only felt alive again when an implant helped him to a new hearing. At that moment, I became aware of what a gift it is to listen to the masterpieces of nature. And true listening begins when we learn to respect and value them in all their diversity.
4. The key to freedom
How often do you listen to the voice of your heart?
If we do not listen to ourselves, we will never be able to properly listen to other people. Because with the inner voice, our intuition, not only the mind, but our heart speaks to us. There are good reasons to listen, because she is very wise.
Our heart has its own small nervous system - an independent brain that registers impressions, changes as it stores memories. The heart perceives and feels - completely independent.
Researchers confirm that the voice of the heart exists. But why is it so difficult for us to listen? Because we have forgotten it. Because their whisperings are often subtle. Because she likes to communicate about our dreams with us, which are not called heartfelt wishes for nothing. And because we often do not want to understand that voice, because in order to follow it, we might have to leave our well-known comfort zone. To take risks. New dare.
But we all know that our hearts will not stop talking to us. Again and again. Our dreams want to be lived, longings cry for fulfillment. Even though our minds say otherwise, we should trust our hearts. Listen to him. It could be the most important message of our lives.
Text: Christiane S. Schönemann & Ina Brzoska
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More about this topic can be found in the Happinez booklet "Stay true to yourself" - available in the Happinez Webshop
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