Photo: Josh Hodge / istockphoto
How men love ... and what we should look for from them
Sometimes they are pretty rough. Or insensitive. Behind it is a very different view of love - from which we can look a little bit ... Men understand, that's how it works!
Even if a couple understands each other really well, they appear again and again: small everyday situations that totally offend a woman. Because a spell or reaction from him seems so loveless, as if he came from another, rather supercooled star.
Behind his behavior, however, hides a very different view of love - which often has a lot of its own. That's why we've outlined a few typical scenarios here. And put the thoughts and feelings that move him under the microscope. Men understand , let's go:
SHE: "Do we want to order something tonight or should I cook something?"
HE: "As you like."
SHE: "On Sunday 'crime scene" or watch a movie? "
ER: "I do not care." SHE: "Do you want to sit in the compartment or in the area?"
ER: "You decide."
As you like. I do not care. You decide. Man, that does not matter. As if he does not care about spending time together anyway. This is what one thinks then as a woman - and is stuck in a typical man-woman dilemma. And in a huge mistake. Because a man who gives you all the decisions, you do not care. On the contrary.
"Men leave the leadership to the woman they love, " confirms the Berlin psychologist Christian Thiel. And in every detail, because they are not as important to men as they are to us if they generally feel cared for in the relationship. Women, on the other hand, want the conditions to be perfect too. So that the evening, a meal or a trip is particularly beautiful. Men are very different. Psychologist Thiel: "As long as the big picture is correct, they are happy." According to the motto: "It does not matter where I sit with you or where we go - the main thing, we are together."
Another important point is: "Women see love more like bread, which has to be baked fresh every day, " says Thiel. "For men, it's like a gem, you put it in the treasure chest and you're done." That means men are a bit lazy in the relationship - but also enviably relaxed.
However, their basic trust and their happy-end mentality can not only cause irritation in the evening planning, but also to small hurtful stitches right in the heart.
SHE: "Honey, how about Ibiza in September?"
ER: "Yeah great idea, I was there with my ex. The island is really beautiful!"
Uff, how insensitive. What is he thinking? That we want to do a remake love vacation? Maybe still in the same hotel? Nonsense! Loving men miss us most unintentionally such small blows. Because they feel incredibly safe in a happy relationship . "They simply sit back after a while, " says psychologist Thiel. Believe that nothing can shake the feelings for each other - and, of course, assume that we think the same way. That we have the same security and no doubt about her love. So they talk freely about the liver - also about their ex and their holiday together at that time.
Photo: Josh Hodge / istockphoto
SHE: "Would you go with your friend to the same place where he was with his ex?"
For a change we come to a typically female quirk: instead of relying blindly on the fact that everything will be alright with him and us, we like to secure ourselves two or three times. By talking. With our girlfriend, our mother, our sister. "Women are generally more concerned with their feelings than men, " says the Berlin psychologist Christian Thiel. And like to analyze together.
The danger: Each girlfriend gives her mustard. Especially when she has experienced a huge fiasco with a man after a similar "alarm signal" ever. Conclusion: At the end of the girls' evening, our little doubt has become a huge problem. And we are more unsettled than before.
That could not happen to a man. Because: "Men rarely get a second opinion, " says Thiel. They rely more on their gut feeling. Sure, sometimes it would help them not to hatch everything by themselves. But this relaxed attitude also saves her from thinking too hard. And the relationship is not immediately questioned for every little thing.
HE: "Kiss!"
Whether a man in the relationship is a cuddly bear or a porcupine has nothing to do with his relationship with his mum or his ex-girlfriends. Rather, we have it in our own hands, how cuddly our guy deals with us. The psychologist knows: "The sooner you integrate mini-caresses into a relationship, the more men ask you later."
Rituals - that's the magic word. The welcome kiss when we come in the door. Holding hands when we walk together to the supermarket. The round belly crawl before falling asleep. Men understand and appreciate such loving gestures more than we might have thought. And do not want to miss it anymore. Not even after many years - while we women may yearn for a new, surprising tenderness kick.
In order to get from him what we want, we have to take initiative: So just do it! But if you want to discuss this unfulfilled longing beforehand, it depends on the right tone.
SHE: "Let's meet for a smooch in the park at noon"
Men have an invisible "guilt center" in the auricle, which makes them understand many of the wished expressions of us women as a critique of their person. We say: "I'm missing our cuddling!" He understands, "You do not cuddle enough with me!" We see this as a project that we can tackle together. He thinks he is to blame for the "problem" and now has to solve it on his own. Many men then withdraw.
Here it is necessary to go past the guilt center. This succeeds through clever formulations. Particularly promising are sentences that begin with "Let's just ...". Because that means unmistakably two people. And after criticism that sounds (even in male ears) not at all.
That men and women see love so differently is sometimes very exhausting. But also exciting. And even fun. Like an exciting adventure trip. And on the other hand, you often borrow things from others that you do not have in your luggage ...
