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Easy life! With coaching

Psychology: Life coaching

Sometimes it just needs the right impulse to bring new dynamics to life - whether sex, love or career. Five German professional coaches tell you their best strategies.

Life coaching from leading experts
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When the world seemed even clearer, Coach was another word for sports coaches. But in recent years, this picture has completely changed. The coach today is someone who helps other people find individual solutions and ways to make life, relationship, job or fitness more successful, enjoyable and harmonious. In the US, it is good for executives to have a coach by their side.

And coaching is also becoming increasingly popular here. This is probably due to the fact that in contrast to classical psychotherapy coaching is not aimed at the treatment of mental disorders, but is scheduled as effective short-term counseling. In most cases, three to ten sessions (costs around € 60 to € 150 per session) are enough to identify wishes and goals with different methods and to take steps to put them into practice.

The German Association for Coaching (www.dbvc.de) recommends to pay attention to the following points: proper business, written contract, strict confidentiality, recognized training of the coach, unbiased and open-ended work. In SHAPE, five of Germany's top coaches give their best tips.

Carolin Stumböck: Life coach

Carolin Stumböck, 43, from Türkheim, worked in the financial services industry before transferring to the business, sports mental and health coach (ECA) and nutritionist from 2006 onwards. She is the founder and owner of the company "Move Now Coaching". www.move-now-coaching.de

SHAPE: What makes life hard for your customers?

Carolin Stumböck: The question: "Can that be anything?" Followed by previously unfulfilled dreams and wishes. Implementation usually fails because of excuses such as, "I have to do this and that first." Many people also believe that they should not allow themselves the things they would like to do.

Or they are afraid of no longer meeting the expectations of family, friends or superiors. Quite many simply have problems with the goal that they pursue in their lives. On two weeks vacation one prepares gladly times before eight weeks. But if you ask the same people where you want to be in five years, they often have no answer.

What are the implications?

It's hard to get more balance out of your life if you do not know what to expect. How do you recognize happiness when you do not know what makes you happy? And if you want family, career and more time for yourself, but do not know how to get everything under one roof, you run the risk of ending in burn-out.

Why is it so hard to be happy and satisfied?

Because we have an incredibly high expectation of ourselves. We want a perfect career, the perfect partner, the perfect family. Everything must be 100 percent, 80 percent are not enough. At the same time there is the fear of losing his social status.

Where does this fear come from?

Many people believe that they only get the appreciation they want from their social status. They identify with externalities and combine recognition with the latest iPhone, a great car or designer clothes. On the other hand, there is nothing to say if you know why you want it and that you first have to finance it. But when earning becomes a compulsion, or when you do not quit a job that is well paid but makes you unhappy for fear of losing your status, it creates stress.

And finally the burn-out?

A burn-out is not caused by too much work, but by jobs that you can not identify with, where you have already quit inside, but it does not really.

How do you help?

I try to take the clients out of their hamster wheel, so that they get a glimpse of their life from the outside again and come back into a conscious action.

Which methods are there for this?

One way is to work on the self-image, which is very negative for most people. They only see what they can not do. As a result, self-esteem shrinks. I let them write down what they can do well to help them recognize their talents.

And how do you recognize your goals?

By allowing oneself to dream without any ifs and buts. Then I check with my clients what they would like to do - and what they really want. If you really want something, you will do everything possible to achieve it and start taking the right steps.

What makes a life satisfied?

Enjoy consciously every day. Do things that you enjoy doing. Do not delay your life later, otherwise you will miss it!

Antje Heimsoeth: sports mental coach

Antje Heimsoeth, 48, is the founder and owner of the training company Sport- & Business NLP Academy based in Rosenheim and lecturer at Ansbach University of Applied Sciences. She is the author of "Mental Training for Riders" and "Golf Mental: Pocket Training". www.sportnlpacademy.de

SHAPE: How do you motivate people who never do sports?

Antje Heimsoeth: First of all, I'll explain why someone wants to play sports. Do you want that yourself or do you have to, because the doctor, the life partner or the environment demand it? Everything that is connected to a "I must" or "I should" creates resistance. When you start doing sports because your friend said you should lose weight, even though you are actually comfortable with your weight, then it will not work. You are motivated only if you do something voluntarily and with much fun.

What is necessary to have fun running?

A target. That has to bring the runner something, have a concrete endpoint and be clearly defined. Our brain thinks in pictures and can not do anything with statements like "I want to be faster than" or "I want to be slimmer than". It needs clear, positive instructions like: "I weigh 60 kilos on 31.12.2012."

How is this continuing?

You make an eco-check. Every goal has an impact on me and my environment. You do not get it for nothing, it requires dedication. Which may mean less time for the relationship, the family, less parties, less alcohol. This must be clarified beforehand: Will you accept all this?

And if you want it?

Then you have to learn to visualize your goal across all the senses. A goal you can not imagine is difficult to achieve.

What happens during visualization?

For example, you can see yourself on the running track, with loose legs, swinging arms, a smiling face, a side-by-side training partner, and the joy of running, with the satisfaction you feel after running. You activate positive emotions, that's important. Alternatively, you can make a destination collage. You can record the running track and stick everything on what you need for the track. That's where you can get creative. And work with rewards.

Why are rewards important?

Because you can treat yourself to celebrate your successes. When you have reached your goal, you can give yourself a pair of new shoes. Or drink champagne with your loved one. You can also just pat yourself on the back when you have overcome the inner bastard.

Are there any tricks to outsmart the inner bastard?

Actually, the word is not good, because the inner bastard is a personality part of us. And who wants to be a pig and a dog? I call him the "Inner Supporter", after all, he also has positive intentions. The calm he demands can be good too. You have to engage in a dialogue with him, ask him, "What is your positive intention for me and why are you keeping me from running?" It is important to feel in and inquire, "What is my purpose "Usually you put on your running shoes.

Which methods are still available?

They offer him a barter shop, says: "Today I take a break, but I will run tomorrow." Or you take a training partner, because you do not say that off so fast. Affirmations are good as well.

How do affirmations work?

One gets the positive aspects in mind by pronouncing them loudly or quietly. For example: "My desire to jog is increasing from day to day." Or: "Jogging in the rain makes me especially proud." It is up to anyone to put on the negative or the positive glasses - and get good rain gear,

How do you mentally prepare recreational athletes for a competition?

The preparation is about visualizing the feelings of happiness that you will feel at the finish and also strengthening your own strengths.

Strengthening strengths - how does that work?

I work with my clients to develop their potential and resources - in general and in terms of sports. Strengths are unique in each and every day differently available. No one is consistent every day, which is fine. It is important to be able to say on day X: "I can do it, I'm perfectly prepared." With certain strategies, you can then retrieve these positive pages on day X.

What does a strategy look like?

One possibility is to set up friends on the track, who bring out the success pictures in the runner with certain, previously set sentences. It is very important not to think about the running technique, but just to walk and get into a flow state.

"Mental Training for riders" by Antje Heimsoeth (Müller Rüschlikon, around 25 Euro) order here at Amazon.de >>

"Golf Mental: Pocket Training" by Antje Heimsoeth (Paul Pietsch publishers, around 25 Euro) order here at Amazon.de >>

Silke Maschinger: Erotic coach

Silke Maschinger, 41, from Berlin is a social scientist, life-, couple- and sex coach, owner of the erotic portal erosa.de and author of the books "Spielarten der Lust" and "erotic city guide Berlin". She also advises nationwide via a telephone hotline. Information: www.knoten-coaching.de

Shape: What goes wrong in bed when asked for advice?

Silke Maschinger: Couples do not have enough sex or different sex wishes. Individuals are mostly women who do not know exactly what they really want sexually, who believe they have to comply with an image that is often shaped by the media. I had a female customer who was thinking about going to a swinger club just because she did not want to appear prude. Others want to know how they become perfect lovers.

And how will you do that?

For me, it's not about turning a penis to the left or right. There are books and magazines for the technology. My job is to give people a space and the feeling that there is someone to talk to about everything. For me, it's about finding out what your sexual identity is.

Why do you have problems with sexuality at all?

Because it is a very private area and still taboo for many. What helps many women who rarely or never get an orgasm is, first of all alone, with a vibrator for example, to try out what they like, what stimulates them. Almost every woman experiences such a climax - often for the first time. If that works, the next time the partner is allowed to watch it or even lead the vibrator himself.

How do you help your customers to recognize their sexual desires?

For couples, I monitor their communication, manage the conversations and work with them to find out what they want and why it no longer works.

Why is it when the sex engine stuttering?

The inhibition to say what you want. Sex is communication, no one can see clairvoyance. I once had a couple, because the woman dared not tell her husband that she would like to have a vibrator. When she did, he was happy. He had wanted that too.

How do you make people talk about sex?

I offer you a relaxed atmosphere that conveys safety. Who comes to me, has already decided to talk about his sexual desires and problems, and starts by itself. I just listen to them.

When is a relationship sexually fulfilled in your eyes?

If both partners are satisfied with it! For some it is enough to have sex once a week, others go to the swinger club three times a month. Even an asexual relationship is perfectly fine if both partners accept it. It is very important to free oneself from external constraints. You do not have to have breathtaking sex every week, but you have the right not to feel like it. Sex is part of a relationship. How big should be and how he is lived, the two partners must agree only.

"Kinds of pleasure" by Silke Maschinger (Südwest Verlag, order 13 Euro) order here at Amazon.de >>

"Erotic City Guide Berlin" by Silke Maschinger (Peter & Maschinger Koop, Kindle Edition for 5 Euro) order here at Amazon.de >>

Katja Sundermeier: love coach

Katja Sundermeier, 46, is a psychotherapist, coach and management trainer with practice at Lake Starnberg. Since 1997 she has been offering couples the seminar series "Simply Love" which she has developed. She is the author of the book "The Simply Love Strategy - Your Path to Great Love". www.simply-love.de

SHAPE: What's wrong with asking for help?

Katja Sundermeier: Sex and communication. Where communication is the main topic. Instead of "I do not like that" or "I would like to say", they talk about "you should" or "you should". This is non-communication and the lack of ego awareness that is needed to say what is important to you.

When should couples to coach?

From day one, because they have rarely learned building relationships, culture and communication. Every pro takes a coach. But most couples build their relationship on the principle of hope.

What do you hope?

Women hope, "If he just loves me enough, everything will change." Men say, "If I'm just the right one, everything will be fine." Both are complete bullshit.

Why is this bullshit?

Because we learned our relationship patterns in childhood. An example: He always comes home late. She accuses him: "You never see what I do, do not even call me." As a child, she has experienced this feeling of not being noticed by her parents. The partner unconsciously brings all the injuries we carry around in our backpack back to the surface. These repressed and exiled emotions I call our basement children. They are, as long as they are not processed, always angrily noticeable.

What consequences can this have?

Take the classic, alienating: she experienced something in her childhood that triggered a "not loved one" feeling. She unconsciously puts her basement child on her lap and hopes that everything will be fine if he only loves her enough. If he does not do that in her eyes, she will react like a child, with jealousy, sadness and anger. But he is looking for a grown woman and goes strange.

How can couples notice that their cellarer is raging right now?

When words like "Never. Always. Again, "is Kellerkinderalarm. Or when a partner says, "I promise improvement." Two adults sit down and seek solutions, able to communicate about themselves. Even if a couple has no more sex, this may be due to the basement children. Honestly, who wants to go to bed with a child?

How do you get out of this?

There must be an awareness that we carry around problems that are not creations of the present, but are trained by socialization, parents, and our culture. Not the partner can help us out, we only find healing with ourselves!

Only those who recognize this can get out of the perpetrator-victim-rail, go into the responsibility and reorganize his emotional world. Ninety-four percent of our relationships do not have to diverge if you listen to his basement children and face his issues. And you can easily get in touch with his cellar children.

How does this work?

Quite simply, if you feel already sad or hurt anyway, because then you are in contact with the old injury. One has to turn to this feeling, the basement child, as a loving, appreciative, compassionate and protective mother. You can hear, say, "Aha, I feel alone, " makes aware, aha, this is now my cellar child.

Close your eyes, say, "I'm here for you, everything will be fine, " put your hands on your stomach and heart, and breathe until the pain is gone. And the good thing is: if you have your cellar child in the moment of fear, sadness, anger accepted and "nachbeleltert", you immediately feel better.

What do you think makes a relationship successful?

Two conscious people who are not interdependent and have found happiness in themselves. Couples who have this awareness and are ready to go with the other through good and bad times have a real chance to stay together until death separates them.

"The Simply Love Strategy - Your Path to Great Love" by Katja Sundermeier (Pendo, around 13 Euro) order here on Amazon.de >>

Katja Niedermeier: career coach

Katja Niedermeier, 43, lives and works in Berlin. In 2001, she founded her PR office K8 (pronounced "K Eight") and since then has worked nationwide as a coach, speaker and image consultant. In April, her book Serenity in the Job, which ranked No. 5 in the Amazon Guide List, appeared. www.k8-erfolgstraining.de

SHAPE: With what concern do the clients turn to you?

Katja Niedermeier: Most people have three concerns: how can I become more successful, how can I deal with pressure, how can I strengthen my self-confidence and my demeanor?

What is your recipe for success?

Success is the sum of concrete goal setting, willpower, the rock solid conviction to be able to do it, and crystal clear structure. Those who truly see the goal in their mind's eye and can already feel the success have almost won. The willingness to set everything necessary for this in motion, paired with a well-thought-out structure catapulted the project forward.

How do you find out what makes your customers happy?

Most of them already know this intuitively, it just has to be brought to consciousness once more. This works with visualizations, among other things. In doing so, I lead people to the point where they see themselves in the ideal position, and very clearly, quite naturally, and completely beyond any doubt. Every step is checked: Is it easy and effortless? Is the result good or is there something better?

What is the purpose of these exercises?

The purpose is to set a goal and see this goal clearly in front of you. Only then will you be able to focus on this goal. On the way there are always positive feelings such as strength or invincibility coupled to a body movement, for example, a clenched fist. And so many times and until this effect occurs only through the movement.

This can be a clenched fist or pressing the thumb nail. With this technique you can retrieve strengthening feelings at any time, which has a direct impact on your appearance, your charisma and your sociability. It is almost impossible to fail if you are excited about it.

Many people feel pressured in the job. What helps?

Pressure arises only when you put yourself under pressure because you are persuaded that you are not good enough in any area of ​​your life, be it private or at work. Women in particular tend to put their light under the bushel. Then it is enough if the boss asks: "Have you already done that?" Prompt increases the feeling of pressure. This does not happen when self-esteem and self-assurance are well developed. Also, I work with all my clients.

How do you handle pressure?

When pressure arises, because the work-life balance is no longer right, so there is an imbalance between work and private life, you can do it with breath and mental tricks, even during the meeting or in front of the computer to produce relaxation and even happiness that you previously only knew from private life. But it always depends on what the pressure on you triggers: Is it a feeling of inferiority and inadequacy, is it chaos or pure hustle and bustle?

What if the boss puts pressure?

The supervisor can only pimp you if you let yourself be fooled. If the boss is annoyed and leaves his displeasure to you, you should consider whether you are contestable because of your work performance. If not, you should ignore unjustified criticisms or insults and dismiss them for what they are: childish. The emotional vulnerability decreases as self esteem and self esteem increase.

How can one acquire these qualities?

Self-confidence grows with self-acceptance. Prerequisite for this is self-reflection: What can I do, what is my talent, what do I like, what is difficult for me, what scares me, what makes me sad, what makes me angry, what joy do I enjoy? All this is exploring and then learning to accept and to like all the trimmings. Self-confidence also increases when your own comfort zone is regularly exceeded, so if you dare things that seem risky at first glance.

Can one learn courage to risk?

Many are afraid of the step into the unknown and of consequence. I evaluate how risky a planned action actually is. What is the worst-case scenario? For example, if you do not dare to ask the boss for a salary increase, I make it clear that you can not get more than a "no", but the courage to ask is worth it, because you can be proud of yourself, you try too to have. In addition, I have found that my clients receive their salary increase much more often than they think!

Which methods do you use?

Some things can be solved by pure awareness or by certain visualization techniques in which negative feelings are replaced by positive ones. A helpful method can also be this breathing exercise: get air through the nose and breathe out through the nose for four seconds for a total of one minute, which makes you instantly calmer.

How do you find out what your clients want professionally?

Either with video feedback to analyze the body language together with the customer, or with a kinesiology muscle tension test. The body always speaks Tacheles!

When should one get help from a career coach?

When you can no longer say one hundred percent that everything is great and you are not sure of the next step.

"Serenity in the Job" by Katja Niedermeier (Beck Juristische Verlag, around 7 Euro) order here at Amazon.de >>

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