"Depression can also be a chance, because at least I know what I do not want in my life anymore!" Charis is 22 years old.
Photo: Istock
- The funny feeling does not stop
- The smallest things are agony
- I want to work
- Nobody picks his mental illness
- I want to be happy
For 5 years she knows that she is depressed. In 2016 came the official diagnosis Borderline. How does she live with her illness? On her Facebook page "Charis' Lifestyle" she talks about her feelings, her everyday life and everything that moves her. And one thing is very clear: hiding does not apply! Reliable and incredibly open, Charis talks about the topic of depression, which is still often a taboo in our society. Here is an excerpt from Chari's stories.
Photo: Charis
"Ever since I fell ill, I have become more and more aware of what I've experienced, felt and seen in my life, and what I do not want anymore, simply because it does not make me happy.
Depression or burnout is a state of fatigue in which your body signals to you that you have put too much, too much emphasis on the wrong things in your life. You've worked like an animal, sacrificing yourself to others without asking for it, you've always taken care of everything and taken care of it because no one else did it. Until the day your body shows you that things can not go on like this.
I have had problems concentrating. Was overwhelmed with the smallest things. Of course, that does not happen overnight. But it feels like it is a creeping process. Like a cold. First you feel, that you are a bit tired, but you do not think anything and pull yourself together.
"Anyone else does not pretend when he's a bit tired or broken, so I do not have the right to do that, I'm a strong personality, I suppose that's going to happen again in the next few days Nothing."
The funny feeling does not stop
These thoughts often accompany you in this initial phase, where the whole thing creeps in. But this funny feeling does not stop. It even gets worse week by week. Getting up is always harder. The way to work seems to me longer, like a journey into infinity. And every minute feels like an hour. The coffee, which I drink with pleasure every morning, suddenly does not taste anymore. My favorite food suddenly tastes like nothing else. Eating in general becomes a kind of burden over time because nothing tastes right anymore. You feel lost and helpless, but you just do not know where it all comes from. You feel something is different, but you do not know what. So, keep going!
The smallest things are agony
Then it starts that the smallest everyday things become a challenge. Washing clothes .... "What comes again the detergent and in which compartment of fabric softener? Help, tear yourself together, you know that! You can not forget something like that! ... I just can not remember what is just go with me ?! "And already the first tears flow. And why? Because I do not remember what what detergent comes and I feel completely stupid myself. I begin to forget trifles until I forget the important business meeting with the boss someday.
Any ability to concentrate has gone from me.
Shopping? Apart from the stress level, what simple shopping meanwhile triggers with me, there is nothing for a long time without shopping lists. These people rummaging through the shelves like crazy, as if they were in the supermarket for the first time. They are completely unstructured, as if they have never shopped. These people who keep an eye on you, what you take off the shelf, which I have never noticed, because they simply did not matter to me. And then I beat myself through the jungle of food and stand at the cash register and have to wait. Wait until everyone has packed his felt 100 foods on the tape. And how everyone with boredom throws looks around and gives me the feeling of just looking at me. It feels like all my eyes are on me because of my "insecurity".
I want to work
That the hair is not brushed and the make-up is missing, I did not even notice when leaving the house. Just forget it. But because I still did not really know what was wrong with me at the time, I want to work or I tell myself that I have to work. Because actually I have nothing, like a cold or a broken leg. Nothing obvious, so it can not be so bad.
But it just does not get better. I make more and more mistakes and despair of the smallest things. I'm standing on the doorstep and suddenly do not remember which key is right. See if anyone watches me, then try all the keys until one fits. Done. Go straight into the apartment, closing the door and crying, wondering what I really deserve, just to be so stupid.
Nobody picks his mental illness
Thus, one sees that no one can be mentally ill for it. I did not choose this. I do not sit down, screw around my thoughts and feelings a bit and say to myself: "Well, now I want to have depression, so that I can officially go bad and I finally get pity and attention!"
Unknowing people often imagine that very easy. But such a disease, you can not provoke, such as a cold, by running around in the winter in a tight dress outside. No, she is just there. And then you have the shit! But I am fortunate enough to arrive at a point in my life where I appreciate this disease. Yes, it sounds pretty bizarre. But I can just see the nice things in life. At least every day, take a quick look at what it feels like to be happy.
I want to be happy
Because if I've learned one thing in the last 5 years with my depression and the other mental illnesses, then that's just one thing in life and that's HAPPY! And that at all costs. If I say today that I want to sleep all day and feel good afterwards, then I can do that without a guilty conscience. If I say tomorrow, I want to let it out in the evening, even for no apparent reason, then I do that, if it makes me happy.
Because I know what it's like when the thought of someone destined to no longer live. I was often at the point where I wanted to put an end to my life and am always there ....
And then nothing counts anymore, because I do not care about anything in those moments.
But now that I'm allowed to look a bit into the life that might be waiting for me, I see that nothing in this world is worth it to force yourself into anything or just to do things because they belong to it or it could make someone happy.
I have come to a point where I want to determine what I do, when I do it, and why I do it. As long as it makes ME happy, everything else does not matter. And that has NOTHING with egoism or similar. but knowing that I know what it's like to be ALL DOWN, and that I know what it takes not to spend every day there, but to climb out of this deep hole bit by bit.
Of course, there are always days when I rest at a place on the way up or sometimes slip off when climbing out. But none of that can take me down so much, if I really just do the things that MY do well.
I just do not want my life to end before I start living! "
