Photo: Mia Luise Ley
"I'm 30 and have never had sex!"
What went wrong between dance classes, school trips, college fetes and barbecues, if you do not know how a kiss feels at 30? If you have never smooched on a meadow, if you have no idea whether you should find the spoon or the missionary position better? I have a date in Berlin with a man who has never had sex, even though he would like to.
I expect a bearded nerd in the Garfield hoody who talks a lot about his mom and does not look me in the eye. After all, Wolfram must have a few obvious quirks - otherwise, like almost 70 percent of German adolescents, he would have completed his first sexual experiments by the age of 17 at the latest.
We have an appointment in front of his Berlin apartment. He's at the door, chewing gum. Blue sports jacket, light pants, worn-out sneakers. His handshake is firm, he looks me in the eye, smiles. I'm confused. So he takes over, directs me to an Italian around the corner and orders pizza for both of us. Already in my thoughts I go through my single girlfriends and immediately find three, who would enter into a date with him by optical criteria immediately on a date. Has Wolfram really never been in love?
"AT 19, I WAS LOVED BUT TO FUCK"
"Yes, " he says, crossing his arms over his chest as if he needs to arm himself with what's coming. "I was in love for months with 19 and 22. It was not good, I was too shy, and when I finally confessed my love to women in emotional letters, both times I was harshly rejected, which made me very unsure."
Because Wolfram is so busy with his grief and self-doubt, he does not realize that a fellow student falls in love with him. "That was of course a missed opportunity." He sounds depressed. "She was nice, she was pretty, but I got her signals too late." Wolfram talks faster when he talks about his defeats. "When I was in my mid-twenties, I was so insecure that I could no longer speak to a woman, and when a conversation developed into a flirtation, I immediately panicked, and I froze and did not know what to say."
In such situations Wolfram mimics the unapproachable, in order to cover up his insecurity . The women realize that something is wrong and lose interest. Is tungsten on the first date perhaps not able to get involved with foreign characteristics and needs?
"AT ONE DATE I WAS WAITED FOR A SIGN"
"I think I'm interested in other people, that's not the problem, " he says firmly. "I would also tell a woman honestly that I have little experience in terms of relationship, maybe not at the first meeting, but before the first sex." He ends many of his sentences with the rhetorical question "Do you know what I mean?", In fact, probably only a few of his age know how the view of a kissing couple feels from the perspective of the Unkisses.
With every new year of life, the pressure on the philosophy student to finally get it baked increases. Like an alien, he stands between his mates, who skip sex, one-night-stands and relationship stress. But the behavioral tips that his friends give him, can not be implemented without self-confidence . And with almost every woman who thinks Wolfram is good, he now thinks: too pretty, one size too big for me. There was a phase when he retired, more and more often he stayed home alone with a few beers. Only with the end of the study came the turn. "The constant comparisons with others' life plans and relationship status have stopped, and now I focus on my work as a documentary director and stop thinking that the others may just have sex and I do not, but I can not falling in love so easily. " His fear of being disappointed and dumped has long been greater than his willingness to take risks. Nevertheless, he has registered with a dating service. And every few months he makes a date with a stranger. It has not been fun yet.
"My biggest problem is that I can not interpret the signals, I'm waiting intently for any sign, a smile, an encouraging gesture during the conversation." While his date chats about friends, jobs and hobbies, Wolfram's thought-carousel turns faster and faster: Why is she smiling now? What does she expect from me? Should I kiss her now - or rather later? Why is she pulling her hand back? Does she like what I say?
"For fear of running full speed against a locked door, I end up passive, do nothing, the woman is disappointed and I messed it up again." He looks in his glass and says nothing. Why not go on the offensive, put everything on a map with a little touch, a brave kiss ? I tried it, I was sure she was interested too, it was going great, and then I thought someone had to jump over the ditch now and tried to kiss her, she pushed me away, just 'What are you doing here?' Since then, I no longer take risks. "
His friends advised him to get rid of the inhibitions in the brothel. Wolfram tried it. "... and then sat embarrassed on the bed of a prostitute, took pity on her, seemed shabby to me, nothing was going on, and at some point I left without doing anything."
At 30 he is tired of doing something that does not suit him and hoping for a great love . A flirtation, a first bed story, that would be something for the beginning. "I think it would be great if a woman approaches and dares me, and everything that comes after that is probably relatively easy."
Wolfram has documented his life on video. The movie "Love Alien" will be released on May 16th in the cinema.
