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- Alzheimer's: Elisabeth used to take care of her mother-in-law at home
- Out of desperation, she refused to eat
- I wanted forgiveness instead of bitterness
Alzheimer's: Elisabeth used to take care of her mother-in-law at home
What to do if a family member has Alzheimer's disease? Elisabeth Kapsreiter decided to take care of her mother-in-law's mother-in-law at home. And experienced hard years.
When her mother-in-law fell ill with Alzheimer's, Elisabeth Kapsreiter decided to take care of her at home . But the new situation was so severe that the previously intimate relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law broke up. A story of a long farewell to a loved one who takes a sickness of memories and self-reliance.
by Elisabeth Kapsreiter
"It's a gray December morning, in the afternoon my mother-in-law is to be buried, I sit at the kitchen table and write a letter - a farewell letter that I want to throw into the grave - my thoughts are constantly wandering off and many pictures come to life before my eyes. My mother-in-law was a very special woman and for many years she has influenced and influenced my life.
At the age of two, she lost her hearing completely through a meningitis. When she was four years old, her mother died. Two stepmothers followed but did not improve their lives. She married a deaf man, gave birth to seven healthy children, and at the age of 44 became a widow. At that time, her youngest son was just nine months old.
Her thirdborn son became her mainstay in life. And exactly this man was my big love! When he introduced me to his mother, I expected defense from her side - I was about to "take away" her son. But nothing was felt! Without resistance, she accepted that now another woman took first place in the heart of her son.
I had first contact with a deaf person and quickly realized that I had to "spell" communication anew. But I was determined to overcome any inhibitions and communicate with my mother-in-law as well as her children. [...] At the beginning of our relationship she challenged me - unconsciously - to a consistent learning process. Communication was not possible without our having previously made eye contact. My mother-in-law became my great teacher in communications.
After her 75th birthday, a frightening change took place. She had prepared this event for a long time and was looking forward to the big party. Shortly thereafter, however, she was hardly recognizable - physically very weak, with no will to live. For them and their children and their families began a difficult phase. After two years of hospitalization several times, we could no longer close our eyes before the diagnosis: Alzheimer's, advanced dementia .
In a conversation with my husband, my mother-in-law expressed that she wanted to live with us. It was a profound experience when God touched my heart: I realized that I should give up my job and many other services to look after my mother-in-law. Full of idealism, I tackled this task. The intimate relationship we had built and the desire to help - coupled with the inner assurance that God wanted it too - seemed to me to be a sufficient foundation to master the new situation.
My mother-in-law was severely weakened physically and became very passive to her surroundings. So, first of all, I had the idea that it would be my job to look after her and to give her beautiful hours with love and imagination. However, the prospect of coming to us blossomed and increased in weight. She came to us with the idea of running the household for me. That this could not last long, was in the nature of things. For a while we did everything together. So in their first week with us three chairs and the table in the dining room were washed and polished. I quickly realized that I could not hold this lifestyle long. When my mother-in-law saw me doing household chores alone much faster, she became discouraged.
Out of desperation, she refused to eat
Slowly our relationship changed. Anything she could not do anymore was either to blame for me or our stupid iron or some other item in our household. The effects of progressive dementia became clear to us only in their daily life. In the eyes of my mother-in-law, I gradually transformed myself into her stepmother, who opposed her with all her resistance. She did not want to talk anymore, lost almost all of her vocabulary.
Then she responded with a behavior that she had repeatedly expressed in the past in the crisis times of her life, her impotence: She refused the food. With that she met me at my most sensitive place. Of course, in the meantime, I had been intensively involved with the care of dementia patients. But all the counselors were based on the patient's hearing. Talking to each other, singing, playing, doing something: all this was no longer possible in our special situation. Loving touch my mother-in-law less and less, they also fell increasingly difficult. So I thought daily about how I could do her something good with tasty food. Through her refusal, I felt downright checkmated and personally hurt. Our long-term relationship - where has it been? She seemed to have fallen into a big black hole. The feeling of failure almost overpowered.
My mother-in-law continued to lose weight until we made the tough decision to have a gastric tube placed. I became very ill myself and had to undergo surgery. Both together meant that I gave my mother-in-law a heavy home in a nearby home. But we could breathe again - these steps turned out to be good. She regained her strength, the stomach tube was removed. But finally it went downhill again. At the age of 79, my mother-in-law died early Christmas morning.
In that difficult time, there had been some things that I had reasonfully forgiven. But there were charges in my heart. In no case did I want to allow these charges beyond death. They would inevitably have led to a bitterness. So I thought about how I symbolically expressed forgiveness. In Psalm 103, we read that God removes our sins from us, as far as the morning is from the evening. Another scripture says that he throws her into the ocean. Into this reflection I saw before my inner eye a grave as such an inaccessible place. It occurred to me to say in a letter all that was bothering me, to ask my mother-in-law's forgiveness, to forgive her with all my heart and to commend her to the grace and peace of God.
I wanted forgiveness instead of bitterness
So I sat in the kitchen a few hours before the funeral and wrote this letter, which was to draw a line under the last hard years. But then something special happened! The funeral was almost over; My husband, my sister-in-law and I were the last to leave the grave. At the cemetery exit, it occurred to me to tell the gravediggers how to arrange the wreaths.
I went back alone - and there stood in the open grave one of the gravediggers and held out my letter to me. For a moment, time seemed to stand still; my perception took place on several levels at the same time. There was this grotesque situation - the man in the grave and the other three gravediggers around the grave. For a moment I was tempted to take the letter and politely say thank you. Then there was the terrible thought: Do you really want to take all this burden back on you? With an almost wild determination, I tore the letter from the man's hand and threw it back into the grave. "No, this letter has to stay in there!"
What a picture of forgiveness was given to me right now! In my heart I suddenly knew: God Himself is here and puts me to the test again. Do I really want to let go of these experiences? I suddenly felt very light. It was like a last farewell: My mother in law and me and God in our midst! And I knew that the wounds of the past will heal. I will be able to keep my mother-in-law in her heart as she was before her illness, when we had a very special relationship. "
This text is an excerpt from the book "A Touch of Heaven" by Elisabeth Mittelstädt. In it many different people tell of their experiences with the death of loved ones and their ways to deal with the grief.
ISBN 978-3-86591-978-6 / Gerth Media GmbH, Verlagsgruppe Random House
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